Letter #28

Dear Undeniables,

Yesterday I failed to write a letter due to total debauchery on my part. I don’t know if you punish people for not following the Undeniable creed of “…one a day, everyday, for three months.” But I believe you must do something because there seems to be “missing” members, such as Rima Anosa who’s site mysteriously vanished from http://purloined.wordpress.com/. This worries me because I hope there’s no hazing ritual for rule breakers.

Just thinking about how Edren would haze me brings chills down my spine. Imagine being locked in a cage and him chasing you around with his so-called Gavel of Unearthed Secrets screaming “For the Alliance!” It’s going to be a long four hours of merciless bludgeoning. I’d imagine it’ll take four hours because after about two hours I’d probably say something under my stupor like “Why… why are you even using that that gavel, it’s resto spec, you’re feral!” Oh how that would piss him off even more, refueling his diminishing rage “It was my only epic drop in six months! Now die you filthy orc!” Such unadulterated hatred from such a usually calm guy. My only salvation would be if his nephew comes looking for his missing inflatable squeaking hammer. I have many scenarios on what may transpire with him, but this one seems the most realistic.

Then there’s Erik, I never met the guy, at least I don’t think I did, but I think he’s that guy you don’t want to meet. Like if you met him, that was it, you knew you were done. Kinda like getting that horse’s head in bed next to you. I never really got that. Were they all in the room brainstorming on this. Timmy Two Times says “Hey, let’s write him a death note, yeah death note.” Then Big Tom retorts “No way, he really fucked up this time, let’s just put a bomb in his car.” But then all of a sudden, Disturbed Dan speaks out for once in his life “No.” Everyone pauses and turns in disbelief, “A horses head.” Silence. “…in his bed.” Confused stares. “…while he’s still sleeping in it.” Turning to each other, they’d all stutter in reluctant approval, “Uh… yeah, sure… not a bad idea. Thanks Danny.” What the hell? What ever happened to “Let’s sneak into his room and put shaving cream on his hand.” Oh yeah, I’m talking about Erik here. I don’t think he’d be Disturbed Dan, no mention of a horse’s head or even horses on his Facebook profile. Though a run down of his interests, he may not be too far. I can totally see the level of punishment in store. It’s going to be in a room without any windows but the roof will be gone revealing the clear midnight sky. I’d be tied to a chair in the middle of the room begging. He’d listen to some of my requests but cackle at the others. It’s kinda like a scene from the Reservoir Dogs, but he’s dressed like a circus clown parading around the room with his kendo stick. Every 15 minutes or so, he’ll scream out a mathematical equation, breaking the soothing Pink Floyd mix playing in the background, and striking me for every incorrect answer. Alot of times there wouldn’t even be an answer and I’d ask “What? Is that even a problem? It kinda sounds like a theory!” But all I’d get is a mouthful of bamboo. “Wrong, that was the Pythagorean theory!” He’d say cleaning his shinai. The only times I wouldn’t get hit during his circling sessions would be times when he runs up to me and flips out Escher postcards and with wild eyes he’d say “You see, the stairs, they just keep going, I mean look, it just goes up and up, no end. No end at all. It doesn’t make sense does it?” Then he’d stoop down, gazing into my eyes, he’d whisper, “I heart it!” With a sudden burst he’d run around the room laughing and pointing at the stars only to stop to watch animal planet on TV. I believe it would be a few minutes of this long awaited serenity before I would start crying. At that point, he’ll take his coffee break and do what he lives to do, breath and analyze. For he likes to people watch, and I think I qualify as people. Shortly he’d slowly start circling again and decide when to start the next round. How does one get free? Maybe if a thunderstorm came close by. I dunno, but I’m scared, really scared.

So this letter is to the members of the The Undeniables who have been hazed. I implore you to please come out and save me. I can’t endure what you must have endured. As for any reciprocation you demand for your pain and hardship, please be considerate and do it on your own time. I really hate whiners.

p.s. – if you’re Edren or Erik, Elaine made me write this. I think The Undeniables are a great and peaceful group and we should have outfits like The Incredibles.

Tags: epic, facebook, hazing, incredibles, kendo, orc, punishment, the godfather, undeniables, world of warcraft