Letter #13

To 90% of my Emails,

Thanks you for all your hopeful emails. I can’t fathom that the world is made up of such thoughtful people. My heart warms up every time I read one of your emails. Varying on topics, you all hit that one aspect of my life that I really need help on. How did you know? My personal website doesn’t have that much information on it, yet you can read into well enough to know the problems I have. From the numerous types of penis enlargements, recovering money from long lost ancestors, to finding local hot women, you seem to know me much better than me knowing you.

Actually, that why I’m writing this, to know more about you. I have painstakingly replied to all your emails and never got a response. Even answered the duplicate emails you appear to send me over the year. I really want to know that generous and considerate person on the other side of my computer. Right now, all I can imagine is that you’re one person. A hot chick living next door in a foreclosing house with many giveaway iPhones, laptops, gaming consoles working at home waiting with free Viagra in one hand and a penis enlarger in another. If that is really you, please PLEASE respond. I will marry you on the spot, and I don’t mean that in the church kind of thing, I mean that fancy Vegas style. MGM has a terrific buffet, king crab legs. Yes, the type people die getting for us as we sit there and gorge wastefully on mass amounts. We’d be like royalty among the other kingdom royalties in a banquet hall. Though, I don’t think many kings actually have to wait in line.

Oh I have one request, whether you’re just one person or a whole committee of people dedicated to my personal happiness. If you have free oompa loompa’s to give away, I’d like a couple of them. Enough to sing me to sleep at night and scare the kids off my lawn.

Tags: buffet, email, marriage, mgm, oompa loompa, penis enlarger, personal website, spam, vegas, viagra